Friday, March 2, 2012
maybe you should turn me off.
wow. i just redid the mbti profiling test and i got a result that i did not expect at all. in sec 3 when i did it i got enfp / enfj. but when i did it just now i got istp. i knew i was never an E (god knows what i was thinking about in sec 3) but S and T? overall it does seem weird but after i read the description of ISTP i realize that it does actually fit me. i dont think i've actually changed much overall. what has actually changed is my estimation of myself? probably. perhaps this change in result of the MBTI is actually me learning to accept myself for who i truly am rather than trying to project who i want to be unto myself? or maybe i have truly changed. not really something that i can judge for myself, really.school has just become a far scarier place after the a level results release. makes you rethink about what you've done so far and realise that you better do your best cos its your last shot and there wont be any safety net to catch you and bail you out this time.
right now in school i feel like i'm merely doing rather than thinking. secondary school in comparison seems to be so mechanical. ironic how in the first 10 years they try to teach you how to think and stifle your creativity and in the last 2 years they expect you to think for yourself when you've become so used to following a set of guidelines. ridiculous.
Posted by Chiaroscuro at 7:19 PM
Sunday, December 18, 2011
a never ending dream.
back from china! not exactly the greatest trips ever. certainly better than what i expected, of course. but its not exactly somewhere i'll be going back to in a hurry. too damn cold. and dry. especially hate the dryness. i like to keep my face dry and so when i went there naturally my face cracked right open. urgh. give me singapore anyday. but at least it didnt rain! stupid singapore weather. look at the weather forecast for the next 5 days all thunderstorm. thank you, captain obvious. let's just hope it means the rainy season ends earlier so january will be all nice and sunny. highlight of the entire china trip has to be lying in the snow. so awesome! although the snow was so powdery so it was impossible to make any snowballs. and padawan braids :) so cute. but of course only i know what that means.now is the part of holiday where the sloth starts to set in. yup! must find stuff to do quickly or my mind will rot.
and last night's match was rather encouraging. at least we didnt get torn apart. but seriously, what is wrong with mertesacker? there's an utter lack of urgency about his defending. never mind about that lazy closing down he did on aguero that allowed him to get a shot off. there was a ball into the box where he was better positioned and yaya toure beat him to it. for a guy of 1.9 you would expect him to win every single high ball into the box. somehow he seems so loose. and djourou is not a full back. he showed that against chelsea, he showed it last night. i dont care how fast he is, if he dosent know when and when not to step up he's going to be one heck of a disaster. and i dont really understand the boos for samir nasri. its not as if he was such a great player at arsenal. i only noticed him after that 2 goals he scored against man utd (when we won 2-1) and after that he kinda faded until last season. lets face it, until last season he was considered to be a "luxury player". and if we didnt cheer him throughout his entire career i dont see why we should boo him for everytime we see him. fickle fickle fans. i bet if adebayor came back to arsenal right now we would cheer him like crazy.
oh well. i still hope for the best. but i still wanna see you again. when will it be?
Posted by Chiaroscuro at 8:56 PM
Sunday, December 4, 2011
i'll never ask for anyone but you.
its the holidays :) so horribly relaxing. and refreshing. i finally feel back to normal again. and being able to watch football matches without having the constant nagging at the back of my mind reminding me that i have piles of stuff undone. excellent. and yesterday's match against wigan just made me smile. sure, its WIGAN, some people may say. but a win is a win. i dont care how you put it. and it's kinda weird on days where i dont watch the match and in the morning i wake up to check how many goals van persie had scored last night rather than the actual score itself. but no, i refuse to jump on the bandwagon and throw a whole bunch of superlatives at how great van persie is. rather moot, if you ask me. but yesterday's celebration after van persie's goal really revealed the man behind the footballer. i was just so glad that van persie ran over to walcott to made sure that the whole crowd knew that walcott was the man. cant imagine drogba or edin dzeko ever doing that. and that was just vindication that van persie was indeed the man to be captain at arsenal. after a whole slew of bad captains (yes, thierry henry, you're included) including fabregas (sorry mate, you're just not captain material) i'm really glad to see someone who's finally getting the whole arsenal side together again.and i read somewhere that ramsey (?) mentioned the reason that van persie had been scoring so many goals was coincidental with the departure of fabregas. coincidental? i dont think so. with fabregas gone van persie has so much more room in the middle instead of having to compete for space with his captain or to stay up front all the time which is definitely not his strong suit. would i have fabregas back and a less effective van persie? honestly i'm stuck in between. dont get me wrong, i love fabregas despite me saying earlier that he's not captain material. i'll never forget that appearance at aston villa. that was pure class. but fabregas honestly seemed to be on a different level at times. cant rmb exactly when but in the 09/10 season during one of the champions league qualifiers he played a really disguised ball perfectly straight through the defense but walcott couldnt read his intention properly and he opted to go wide and the ball rolled safely into the keeper's hands. fabregas was always one step ahead of everybody at arsenal. and when i look at arsenal's pass and move and compare it with barcelona's i few ashamed to call arsenal a passing side. i mean, just look at the opening minutes of yesterday's match. boom. song gives it right away. i've always been a fan of song's defensive work but he has to learn to make the right pass always. playing in that kind of position means you'll probably receive the ball a lot and one error leaves your back four exposed. just play and early simple pass at times can save you a lot of trouble.
back to van persie. i mean, i look at him and he's full of confidence. he's willing to try his tricks and flicks and yet at the same time he's not selfish and is such an astute distributor of the ball. wow. and anybody knows a confident striker is a dangerous one. case in point: daniel sturridge.
Posted by Chiaroscuro at 3:38 AM
Thursday, November 17, 2011
so few come and dont go.
urgh. i just watched the new himym show and i just hate how it resonates so well with me. horrible. i mean i can understand how that single second can define the entire relationship. but more importantly its to never give up everything for someone. its just not worth it. somehow i feel i've changed so much. from that idealistic person to the realistic cynic that i am now. and somehow i still cant decide which one i want to be right now.wep just ended! shitty shoes but amazingly good food. simple summary of wep. pretty good experience but tbh there has to be pay. otherwise the students wont feel motivated either for their love of money or the fear of their pay being cut. but i made really good friends through this and got to know some people i didnt know so well before. so overall a pretty good way to spend time. at least it allows me to feel during those few days that i had some form of direction.
and back to ri to pick up my sweater and play soccer! after playing soccer on the rjc field you really appreciate the artificial turf that we've all grown used to. but playing on the rjc does help to improve your touch. and i just realised that might just be the last time i ever play soccer on that field. at least for this year. wow. so many memories there.
Posted by Chiaroscuro at 8:25 PM
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
somehow, everything's gonna fall right into place.
and here we go again. last week of term 4 of my sec 4 year. and yet it dosent feel like my last week in school. all the many loose ends certainly contribute to that, and that the year 5 and 6 campus is just next door helps too. but really the chinese o's is spoiling this entire "last week of school feeling". like on the last day of your time at a certain campus you'll always take a slow walk around the entire campus... visit your old classrooms. remember your victories and failures throughout these 4 years. and yet tomorrow when school ends for the last time i'll just head back home to study for chinese o's (in truth i probably won't study[as usual]).all these studying for science has seriously left me incapable of thinking in chinese. even when i plan my chinese compos i do it in english on the side. was it such a good idea to leave chinese out for eoy's? honestly idk. one less subject, yes, but it gets hard to start studying chinese again once you've left it for an extended period of time.
and everything's gonna fall right into place. once again a 3.55. it's just how all the puzzle pieces fit together each year. you know its going to be that way and yet you refuse to accept it until the very last moment when you realise that your fate has already been sealed and there's no point raging against it. disappointing? no. its probably a fair, perhaps even an overestimate of how much effort i put in this year. but once again i'm disappointed at my lack of focus once again. you look at the 3.8s and 3.9s and realise: this guys can do it. they arent geniuses, its really down to hard work and grafting. to put my academic performance in soccer equivalent that would be having good technique but unwilling to work hard and press the ball etc. and that is what i cant stand the most in soccer. so i guess i'm actually kinda hypocritical?
and these 3.9 people: all willing to walk their own path. all of them walk solitary paths and perhaps in the end everybody realises that you have to chose your own path to walk and you cant rely on anybody to make the decision for you. so this is what i have to learn: to be able to walk alone. to not need to have the acknowledgement of men but to rather know deep down inside myself that i'm doing the right thing.
this topic of studying really makes me feel really empty now. maybe thats what i currently am; an empty tank, in need of a good long break to clear myself up. or maybe someone to actually fill me up. solidarity is excellent, but its horribly boring once you look past the whole self-fulfilment thing. honestly idk about two is better than one or not. i'm just really tired of all these. all i want is a person i can completely trust and whom can completely trust me. and that's the hardest thing in the world to find. and no, i will never take second best. never again. i've learnt from my lesson.
sigh my thoughts are horribly jumbled. comes with not blogging for sooooooo long. i think its really dangerous how i'm already treating this period as if its a holiday period already. careful, son. oh! and its horribly hilarious how (see what i did there?) whenever i'm nervous i talk to myself with this old western cowboy accent to calm myself down. i'm weird and i know it :) proud of it, even.
right now there's really nothing much to look forward to. even the end of o level chinese will seem really farcical cos its only one paper (2 papers, if you're nitpicking) and it'll be just a sense of its finally over. rather then the unbridled explosion of joy we had after chem. i wont even bother stepping onto the field this time. i'll just go home change and go out again. at least there's the work exposure programme to look forward to. i think it should be exciting? hope it dosent disappoint.
and its really amazing how i decided to check my blog today. and see that someone actually left a comment! thats a first. uh thanks for reading my blog? dont really know what to say in this kind of situation, considering how this blog is just random collections of all my experiences since sec 3 (and a lot of other random bullshit) but if you read everything, thanks for bearing with me, i know i can be horribly long-winded and boring. and yes you talking about my writing style made me suddenly look at what i'm writing more closely. yeah it actually even made me nervous to start writing. its almost as if i'm being tested or smth! but after reading that i went back and read my other posts (yes i'm egoistic, deal with it) and i realised that everything i wrote resonated with me. that i could actually feel what i felt at that point in time. yes, this blog has not gone to waste. this blog, while random, is not an impulsive posting of my every thought (yes i'm talking about you, twitter). this is a rather good reflection of who i am and all of a sudden this blog has increased in value. so thank you, spirit79 for reminding me of what blogging can do for your soul.
Posted by Chiaroscuro at 9:34 AM
Sunday, May 1, 2011
its coming down to nothing more than apathy.
omg. for the first time in my entire life i actually feel under appreciated. but in a good way. at first there was this feeling that i hadn't tried enough (partly beacuse i didnt give it my fullest). then slowly this degraded into me thinking that i gave so little. as if it meant nothing to me. then i really began to regret not trying hard enough (and its a really weird feeling as you try to come up with even more bizzare ideas of what you could have done). but after today, screw it, man. i've found out what it truly meant to me. and if that wasnt good enough for you, thats just too bad. i know what i put in, and if anything you should start asking yourself the same questions. but noooooo, its never your fault is it? its always the other person. oh, he didnt try hard enough, he didnt care enough, he just didnt want it. i've had enough of that bullshit, man.weirdly i feel really pure and innocent now. havent felt this way in a long LONG LOOOOOOOOOONNNG time. like just pure happiness. not laced with frat boy humour or whatever cynicism the world can come up with. nope, i know who i am, and i'm secure in that. i know what i did wrong, what my flaws are and who i really am. and its kinda weird that you actually help me find myself again? well. never expected that, huh. but its a great feeling, and thanks for it (not like you would ever know, but who cares :))
this is on a completely unrelated note. nothing to do with whatever i wrote up there. i just love this picture. it kinda reminds me of the It Ends Tonight music video? idk. but i just love the idea of space. space to just sing to. and also the signboard(?) of the fray. also on their album cover where people are just walking but the fray just sits there stoically. sometimes i just want to do that. sit down in the middle of a busy street, close my eyes and just start thinking. just let my mind drift off, linking one memory to the next one. it sort of gives me Kumbaya effect. but i really felt that the strongest in australia. where everyone is so friendly! like you walk into stores and they greet you and try to make conversation with you. coming from singapore i just felt really shy at first but after a while i just loved the atmosphere :) then going back to singapore i was still stuck in the say-hi-to-everybody-you-meet-and-try-to-make-small-talk-with-them kind of mood. and in singapore i just got really weird stares :( except for the few nice people. and slowly the mood just kinda died of. and i felt like i honestly lost something. you know, in chinese compos when we write all that bullshit about going to other countries to immerse in the other countries' way of life we dont mean it 90% of the time but when i went to australia i really felt it. its just so uplifting. and always so supportive.
Posted by Chiaroscuro at 5:08 AM
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
pov.
She fell to the bottom of her lifeThis wasn't meant for two
She struggles to find herself in time
But she can barely move
Just try and get up
You gotta slowly brush off
I know that words aren't enough
But you're better than this
Save your heart
For someone that's worth dying for
Don't give it away
Torn apart
Never getting what you've been crying for
It's always the same
She turns the pages everyday
Just to change the mood
But every chapter reads the same
So hard to make it through
Just try and get up
You gotta slowly brush off
I know that words aren't enough
But you're better than this
Save your heart
For someone that's worth dying for
Don't give it away
Torn apart
Never getting what you've been crying for
It's always the same
And you give (and you give)
And they take (and they take)
And it's love that you want
But not love that you make
Save your heart
For someone that's worth dying for
Don't give it away
Save your heart
For someone who leaves you breathless
And I know that you're scared
Seems like someone said you had it in you
All along you said you knew this was wrong
But still worth dying for
Save your heart
For someone who leaves you breathless
And I know that you're scared
Seems like someone said you had it in you (are you scared?)
All along you said you knew this was wrong
But still worth dying for
And you give (and you give)
And they take (and they take)
And it's love that you want
But not love that you make
Save your heart
For someone that's worth dying for
Don't give it away
Don't give it away