Thursday, December 30, 2010
i swear that you dont have to go.
hm. it feels like i'm forever the youngest whenever i hang out with anybody. no matter who it is. and i just feel really childish at times. and i'm really tired of it. its all really a facade. trying to show a side if me that isnt even true, because the real me wouldnt even want to hang out with people. probably just doing whatever i want, and being a complete douche(so when you see me being one dont be surprised it just means i'm tired and i really want to be left alone)and i'm just tired of these shit. i'm tired of having to please people, having to put up with people that in an alternate universe i would have just totally ignored them. i just get this feeling like i'm slowly fading to just another face in the crowd. and that is exactly what i dont want. sometimes by being childish i just feel that i'm able to preserve that little bit of pure inspiration that i'm able to draw on. its just this reluctance to give up i guess. and with it entails having to be always right and wanting to do things my way. sometimes i really feel as if i'm just left alone i'll be so much better than where i am today. its as if the world always disrupts your cycle of what you want to do and achieve and sometimes you want to just give it the finger and continue with whatever you are doing because you know that something great is bound to emerge. but no the world is never like that. sigh. after 15 years in this miserable world i still havent found a way around it. i guess in a sense i dont want to grow up.
Posted by Chiaroscuro at 9:00 AM
again and again.
the world is atrophying at a seriously alarming rate. idk. i just feel like this whole world is just falling apart. and here i am trying to put everything back together again. its something in between "you dont really know what you've got till its gone" and "you dont really want it but you dont want to let go either". its really stupid. i just dont have the ability to cut of things in my life that are rapidly decaying and no longer needed. deep in my heart i know all these shit are weighing me down but yet at the same time i'm reluctant to let go of it due to whatever little sentimental value it holds for me. sometimes i feel like i'm trying way too hard. i really just want to lie back at times and just watch the world flash by me without any regard for things that might happen around me. i'm just so tired of all these cut and thrust, all these sentimentalism and useless emotions. sometimes i just wish i can become a computer for once. to be able to weigh my options perfectly and to be absolutely cold and calculaing. decisive. perfect. and to not be weighed down by other emotions. because honestly i dont expect any form of allegiance or loyalty from you, and in return i wont give any either. so dont go about with this misconception. i'm sorry. thats not the case. if you want to continue living in that little deluded world of yours go ahead. but just note i wont be there to save you when the shit hits the fan. cos remember, YOU were the one who made the shit hit the fan, not anybody else.
Posted by Chiaroscuro at 8:47 AM