Sunday, May 1, 2011
its coming down to nothing more than apathy.
omg. for the first time in my entire life i actually feel under appreciated. but in a good way. at first there was this feeling that i hadn't tried enough (partly beacuse i didnt give it my fullest). then slowly this degraded into me thinking that i gave so little. as if it meant nothing to me. then i really began to regret not trying hard enough (and its a really weird feeling as you try to come up with even more bizzare ideas of what you could have done). but after today, screw it, man. i've found out what it truly meant to me. and if that wasnt good enough for you, thats just too bad. i know what i put in, and if anything you should start asking yourself the same questions. but noooooo, its never your fault is it? its always the other person. oh, he didnt try hard enough, he didnt care enough, he just didnt want it. i've had enough of that bullshit, man.weirdly i feel really pure and innocent now. havent felt this way in a long LONG LOOOOOOOOOONNNG time. like just pure happiness. not laced with frat boy humour or whatever cynicism the world can come up with. nope, i know who i am, and i'm secure in that. i know what i did wrong, what my flaws are and who i really am. and its kinda weird that you actually help me find myself again? well. never expected that, huh. but its a great feeling, and thanks for it (not like you would ever know, but who cares :))
this is on a completely unrelated note. nothing to do with whatever i wrote up there. i just love this picture. it kinda reminds me of the It Ends Tonight music video? idk. but i just love the idea of space. space to just sing to. and also the signboard(?) of the fray. also on their album cover where people are just walking but the fray just sits there stoically. sometimes i just want to do that. sit down in the middle of a busy street, close my eyes and just start thinking. just let my mind drift off, linking one memory to the next one. it sort of gives me Kumbaya effect. but i really felt that the strongest in australia. where everyone is so friendly! like you walk into stores and they greet you and try to make conversation with you. coming from singapore i just felt really shy at first but after a while i just loved the atmosphere :) then going back to singapore i was still stuck in the say-hi-to-everybody-you-meet-and-try-to-make-small-talk-with-them kind of mood. and in singapore i just got really weird stares :( except for the few nice people. and slowly the mood just kinda died of. and i felt like i honestly lost something. you know, in chinese compos when we write all that bullshit about going to other countries to immerse in the other countries' way of life we dont mean it 90% of the time but when i went to australia i really felt it. its just so uplifting. and always so supportive.