Wednesday, November 2, 2011

all these studying for science has seriously left me incapable of thinking in chinese. even when i plan my chinese compos i do it in english on the side. was it such a good idea to leave chinese out for eoy's? honestly idk. one less subject, yes, but it gets hard to start studying chinese again once you've left it for an extended period of time.

and everything's gonna fall right into place. once again a 3.55. it's just how all the puzzle pieces fit together each year. you know its going to be that way and yet you refuse to accept it until the very last moment when you realise that your fate has already been sealed and there's no point raging against it. disappointing? no. its probably a fair, perhaps even an overestimate of how much effort i put in this year. but once again i'm disappointed at my lack of focus once again. you look at the 3.8s and 3.9s and realise: this guys can do it. they arent geniuses, its really down to hard work and grafting. to put my academic performance in soccer equivalent that would be having good technique but unwilling to work hard and press the ball etc. and that is what i cant stand the most in soccer. so i guess i'm actually kinda hypocritical?

and these 3.9 people: all willing to walk their own path. all of them walk solitary paths and perhaps in the end everybody realises that you have to chose your own path to walk and you cant rely on anybody to make the decision for you. so this is what i have to learn: to be able to walk alone. to not need to have the acknowledgement of men but to rather know deep down inside myself that i'm doing the right thing.

this topic of studying really makes me feel really empty now. maybe thats what i currently am; an empty tank, in need of a good long break to clear myself up. or maybe someone to actually fill me up. solidarity is excellent, but its horribly boring once you look past the whole self-fulfilment thing. honestly idk about two is better than one or not. i'm just really tired of all these. all i want is a person i can completely trust and whom can completely trust me. and that's the hardest thing in the world to find. and no, i will never take second best. never again. i've learnt from my lesson.

sigh my thoughts are horribly jumbled. comes with not blogging for sooooooo long. i think its really dangerous how i'm already treating this period as if its a holiday period already. careful, son. oh! and its horribly hilarious how (see what i did there?) whenever i'm nervous i talk to myself with this old western cowboy accent to calm myself down. i'm weird and i know it :) proud of it, even.

right now there's really nothing much to look forward to. even the end of o level chinese will seem really farcical cos its only one paper (2 papers, if you're nitpicking) and it'll be just a sense of its finally over. rather then the unbridled explosion of joy we had after chem. i wont even bother stepping onto the field this time. i'll just go home change and go out again. at least there's the work exposure programme to look forward to. i think it should be exciting? hope it dosent disappoint.

and its really amazing how i decided to check my blog today. and see that someone actually left a comment! thats a first. uh thanks for reading my blog? dont really know what to say in this kind of situation, considering how this blog is just random collections of all my experiences since sec 3 (and a lot of other random bullshit) but if you read everything, thanks for bearing with me, i know i can be horribly long-winded and boring. and yes you talking about my writing style made me suddenly look at what i'm writing more closely. yeah it actually even made me nervous to start writing. its almost as if i'm being tested or smth! but after reading that i went back and read my other posts (yes i'm egoistic, deal with it) and i realised that everything i wrote resonated with me. that i could actually feel what i felt at that point in time. yes, this blog has not gone to waste. this blog, while random, is not an impulsive posting of my every thought (yes i'm talking about you, twitter). this is a rather good reflection of who i am and all of a sudden this blog has increased in value. so thank you, spirit79 for reminding me of what blogging can do for your soul.